Mu mubano w’urukundo, buri muntu aba akeneye kumva ko yubashywe, yumviswe kandi yitabwaho. Umubano mwiza wubakwa n’ukuri, kubahana no kuvugana neza hagati y’abakundana. Ariko hari igihe bamwe mu bantu bakoresha uburyo bwo guhatira cyangwa kugenzura amarangamutima ya mugenzi wabo, ibintu bita emotional blackmail.
Emotional blackmail ni uburyo umuntu akoresha amagambo cyangwa imyitwarire ituma mugenzi we yumva afite icyaha, ubwoba cyangwa inshingano zo gukora ibyo adashaka kugira ngo adatakaza urukundo cyangwa amahoro mu mubano.
Ni ngombwa kumenya ko atari abagore bose bakora ibi kandi rimwe na rimwe biterwa n’ubwoba, umutekano muke mu mutima (insecurity) cyangwa kutamenya uburyo bwiza bwo kuvugana mu rukundo. Ariko iyo ibi biba kenshi, bishobora gusenya icyizere no guteza ibibazo bikomeye mu mubano.
Muri iyi nkuru, tugiye kureba uburyo 5 busanzwe emotional blackmail ikoreshwa mu rukundo, uko igaragara n’uko ishobora kugira ingaruka ku mubano.
1. “Niba Unkunda Uzabikora” – Guhindura Urukundo Ikizamini
Ubu ni bumwe mu buryo bukunze gukoreshwa cyane mu emotional blackmail. Umuntu ashobora kugerageza guhuza urukundo n’uko mugenzi we yemera ibyo amusaba.
Urugero rw’amagambo ashobora gukoreshwa:
“Niba unkunda koko, wakora ibi.”
“Niba unkunda by’ukuri, wagira icyo uhindura kuri ibi.”
“Umuntu unkunda ntiyakanga ibi.”
Iyo umuntu akoresheje aya magambo, aba ashaka gutuma mugenzi we yumva ko kwanga ibyo asabwe ari nko kwanga urukundo.
Urugero:
Umusore ashobora kuba yari afite gahunda yo gusura inshuti cyangwa gukora akazi ke. Ariko umukobwa akamubwira ati:
“Niba unkunda koko, wahagarika izo gahunda ukaza kumbona.”
Ibi bishobora gutuma uwo musore yumva ko agomba kureka ibyo ashaka kugira ngo agaragaze ko akunda uwo mukobwa.
Ariko mu by’ukuri, urukundo nyarwo ntirukwiye kuba ikizamini cyangwa igitutu. Umuntu ashobora gukunda mugenzi we ariko agifite uburenganzira bwo kubaho ubuzima bwe, inshuti ze n’intego ze.
2. Guhana mu Guceceka (Silent Treatment)
Ubundi buryo bukunze gukoreshwa ni guhana mugenzi wawe mu guceceka.
Iyo habaye ikibazo cyangwa impaka, aho kuvugana ngo bikemuke, umuntu ashobora guhitamo kudasubiza ubutumwa, kutavugisha cyangwa kwirengagiza mugenzi we.
Ibi bishobora kumara:
amasaha
iminsi
cyangwa igihe kinini kurushaho
Intego iba ari ugutuma mugenzi we yumva atameze neza cyangwa afite ubwoba bwo gutakaza amahoro mu mubano, bigatuma yemera ibyo asabwa kugira ngo ibintu bisubire mu buryo.
Ingaruka z’ibi ni nyinshi:
Bituma umuntu yumva afite amakosa atazi
Bituma habaho umwuka mubi mu mubano
Bigabanya ubushobozi bwo kuvugana neza
Mu mubano mwiza, aho guceceka, abantu bagomba kuvugana bakubahana kugira ngo ibibazo bikemuke.
3. Kwiyita Umuntu Uhura n’Ibyago Byose (Playing the Victim)
Hari igihe umuntu ashobora kwiyerekana nk’uhora ababara cyangwa uhorana ikibazo, nubwo atari ko bimeze.
Ashobora gukoresha amagambo nka:
“Nta muntu unyitaho.”
“Nta muntu ujya anyumva.”
“Njyewe buri gihe ni njye ubabara.”
“Buri gihe untera kumva ntakunzwe.”
Aya magambo ashobora gutuma mugenzi we yumva ari we nyirabayazana w’ibibazo byose.
Urugero:
Iyo habaye ikibazo gito mu mubano, aho kuganira ku cyo buri wese yakoze nabi, umuntu ashobora guhindura ibintu akabyerekana nk’aho ari we uhora ababazwa.
Ibi bishobora gutuma mugenzi we atangira kwiyumva nabi cyangwa kwirengagiza amarangamutima ye, akibanda gusa ku gushimisha uwo mukobwa.
Ariko mu mubano mwiza, buri muntu agomba kwemera uruhare rwe mu bibazo, aho guhora agaragaza ko ari we uhora arenganurwa.
4. Gutuma Mugenzi We Yumva Icyaha (Guilt-Tripping)
Ubu ni uburyo umuntu yibutsa mugenzi we ibyo yamukoreye byose kugira ngo yumve afite icyaha cyangwa inshingano zo kumwumvira.
Urugero rw’amagambo ashobora gukoreshwa:
“Nyuma y’ibyo byose nagukoreye, ni uku umfata?”
“Wibagiwe ibyo nagukoreye byose?”
“Njye naragufashije cyane ariko nawe ntacyo unkoreye.”
Aya magambo ashobora gutuma umuntu yumva agomba kwishyura cyangwa gusubiza ineza yakozwe, nubwo ibyo asabwa atabyumva.
Mu by’ukuri, gukora ibyiza mu mubano ntibigomba kuba igikoresho cyo kugenzura mugenzi wawe.
Urukundo rwiza ruba rushingiye ku:
gufashanya ku bushake
kubahana
kutabarira ineza yakozwe
Iyo umuntu ahora yibutsa mugenzi we ibyo yamukoreye, bishobora gutuma umubano uhinduka nk’ubucuruzi aho kuba urukundo.
5. Gukangisha Gutandukana (Threatening to Leave)
Ubu ni bumwe mu buryo bukomeye bwa emotional blackmail.
Umuntu ashobora gukoresha amagambo akangisha gutandukana kugira ngo mugenzi we akore ibyo ashaka.
Urugero:
“Niba udakoze ibi, birashoboka ko tutakomeza kubana.”
“Wenda twaba dukwiye gutandukana niba udashobora kubikora.”
“Sinzi niba umubano wacu uzakomeza niba udahindutse.”
Aya magambo ashobora gutera:
ubwoba bwo gutakaza umubano
guhangayika
gukora ibintu utifuza
Ibi bishobora gutuma umuntu emera ibintu byinshi atishimiye kugira ngo atatakaza uwo akunda.
Ariko mu mubano mwiza, gutandukana ntigomba gukoreshwa nk’igikoresho cyo gutera igitutu. Ni icyemezo gikomeye kigomba gufatwa mu bwitonzi, si amagambo akoreshwa mu gutera ubwoba.
Impamvu Emotional Blackmail Igaragara Mu Mubano
Hari impamvu nyinshi zituma umuntu ashobora gukoresha emotional blackmail, harimo:
1. Umutekano muke mu mutima (Insecurity)
Umuntu ashobora gutinya gutakaza uwo akunda, agahitamo kumugenzura.
2. Ubwoba bwo kwangwa
Iyo umuntu atizeye urukundo rwa mugenzi we, ashobora gukoresha igitutu kugira ngo arugumane.
3. Kutamenya kuvugana neza
Hari abantu batazi kuvuga neza amarangamutima yabo, bagahitamo uburyo butari bwiza.
4. Ingeso zakuze nazo
Hari igihe umuntu akura abona abandi bakoresha ubu buryo mu buzima.
Ingaruka Emotional Blackmail Igira ku Mubano
Iyo emotional blackmail ikomeje kugaragara mu mubano, ishobora guteza ibibazo bikomeye:
Kugabanuka kw’icyizere
Guhorana ubwoba cyangwa igitutu
Kubura amahoro mu mutima
Kunanirwa kuvugana neza
Gutuma umwe mu bakundana yumva agenzurwa
Iyo ibi bitakemutse, bishobora kugeza umubano ku iherezo.
Uko Wakubaka Umubano Utarimo Emotional Blackmail
Kugira ngo umubano ube mwiza kandi ukomere, hari ibintu by’ingenzi byafasha:
1. Kuvugana mu kuri
Buri muntu agomba kuvuga uko yumva adashyize igitutu kuri mugenzi we.
2. Kubahana
Kubaha ibyifuzo n’ubuzima bwa mugenzi wawe ni ingenzi.
3. Kwemera ko abantu batandukanye
Nta muntu ugomba gukora byose ngo ashimishe undi.
4. Gushaka ibisubizo hamwe
Iyo habaye ikibazo, abakundana bagomba kugishakira igisubizo hamwe aho kugenzurana.
Umwanzuro
Emotional blackmail ni imwe mu myitwarire ishobora kwangiza buhoro buhoro umubano w’urukundo. Nubwo rimwe na rimwe ituruka ku bwoba cyangwa insecurity, gukoresha amarangamutima y’undi nk’igikoresho cyo kumugenzura si byiza.
Umubano mwiza wubakwa ku:
kuvugana mu bwubahane
kumva mugenzi wawe
kubahana
n’urukundo rudashyizeho igitutu
Iyo abakundana biga kuvugana neza no kubahana, bubaka umubano ukomeye, utekanye kandi urambye.
